The troublesome issue of cars

Cars are nasty contraptions. I'm afraid to say I've seen many a cousin fall foul of their weight and speed, and have always stuck to green spaces and avoided grey spaces as a result. All I can really say about that is to advise you to do the same.

However, let's put aside the rather gruelling possibility of being knocked by a car (it's up to you to display some nonce here and remember that arrogance in this area will get you nowhere, or worse) and turn to the business of occasionally having to travel by one. I'm afraid to say I used to make a tremendous fuss as a youth when it came to car travel. The minute I sensed something afoot, I'd first take on terrific speed, then once cornered make myself as heavy and noisy as possible. I'm afraid these tactics didn't much work, and generally made the process somewhere between ten and twenty times worse than it would have been had I remained calm.

In later years however, something came to me. I realised, while on my way to goodness knows where in the car, that travelling by it was in fact not too bad, provided I stayed calm. The vibrations are actually quite soothing, it's generally warm, and you're nearly always treated at the journey's end. I realised, in fact, that the worst part of going by car was first being put - or should I say rammed, more often - into the 'carry basket'.

Argh the basket! This, I now know, is the thing to try and avoid wherever possible.* So here's the trick: if ever you find your providers unpacking the car (this always happens when they go out to fetch pilchards, bags of the stuff must be lugged in), pop into one of the open car doors and have a little lie down in the floor at the front. Now stay there, napping, until you're spotted.**

You will find this: your providers will find this nesting inexplicably adorable, and it will occur to them (hopefully after minimal repetitions of the exercise) that they might 'keep you calm' in the car by letting you travel in this apparently natural fashion, without the use of the heinous basket. Yes, you can still be in control, even in the car! You can make a place for yourself, freely, settle down and use car travel as nap time. You will certainly find that you'll be provided with a blanket, and sometimes regular snacks. Believe me, car travel need not be anything to cringe at. I repeat - it is warm, rocks soothingly and you are sure to be well rewarded for 'good behaviour'.

* I do not pretend that you can avoid the basket on every trip. If you are on your way to the cat doctor, you are almost certain to find yourself shut in, unless you're the kind who can remain calm wrapped in a blanket or similar. I fear I'd lose my wits if anyone tried this on me.

** Don't actually fall asleep. Remain vigilant, otherwise you may be making the car your home for an indefinite period, and you'll find nowhere either to eat or perform your toilet.