Aiming for pilchards and landing in milk

Having established a long term routine for myself which includes pilchards at dark time, a heated basket in cold spells and mercifully hazy etiquette when it comes to places of sleep, my providers know precisely what is required of them and when. I, too, know that I am not officially entitled to pilchards until dark time, making do with dry crunch during the light (which I must admit is good for the teeth).

A brief aside about pilchards - it shocks and saddens me to think that there may be some unfortunate cats out there who have never tasted them. There is no sleep more heartily engulfed and no water more sweetly sipped than those following a plate of pilchards (preferably in some kind of coloured sauce). Believe me - and I say this with boldness - it tastes better even than butter licked from the paw. Demand the best!

It is happily for me then that I have developed a clout sufficient to demand pilchards at dark time. This led me to an experiment: were there other times of light, perhaps, when my providers were at a weak ebb and could be persuaded to serve me a second helping? The answer was a wondrous yes. Here follows a list of moments in which requests for an extra meal are most likely to be given in to:

1. If you have recently had your tail or paw trodden on (we all know how to engineer this so I shan't elaborate here).

2. If your people are particularly tired, or ill - they will especially want you to be quiet (but beware - for this to succeed you may first have to establish the preconceived knowledge that if you're shut out, you will become noisier and indefinitely more problematic).

3. By the same token, if there is someone sleeping in the territory, especially a small person. Show your people that something tasty will soon quiet you.

4. If they've left you alone all day, or even better gone away for an extended period without you. This can be capitalised on for some time.

5. If one of your providers has been absent and is unaware that you've already dined.

6. If you've been in a fluff racket with a neighbouring cat.

7. If you've been tricked into being operated on.

And always remember that if you don't achieve a meal, you may be just nagging enough to win a saucer of milk or similar for your skills, which I would also argue is well worth the effort.